I used to waste my Xanax at bedtime. I couldn’t sleep. There was too much running around in my mind: work, people, money – you name it, it was in there. I read a blog that suggested imagining you are painting numbers in the air, so one at a time, in chronological fashion, I created the numbers in my mind. My jaws clenched.
“This is ridiculous.”
I tossed. I turned. I squeezed my right hand between my Y for comfort and tried to drift off to sleep, but the clitoris is a cheeky fellow – always ready to pounce and feast. I still couldn’t sleep. Ugh.
I thought back to my youth. How did I fall asleep so effortlessly? I had more stress, less legitimate, respectively, back then than I do now. We all know the meme: Adulting is Hard.
Before I knew what my vagina was good for, I fantasized about puppies and Santa Claus to fall asleep. I fantasized about the JCPenney catalog and flying across my backyard. When I got older, my Y began to stir and tick like Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart. I found that a gentle “hello” to Mr. Vagina was soothing and restful. (This was all prior to the introduction to masturbation, of course.)
I tugged and rubbed Mr. Vagina as I thought about the new kid in English. I watched him dance across the black specks of my closed eyelids and ask me to dance with him in the school gym. He rubbed my back. He said my name correctly. He asked me what my father did for a living.
And just like that – I would fall asleep.
The simple act of fantasizing – the ability to meld the conscious with the unconscious and the unconscious to the subconscious – was the perfect tool for falling asleep with a greedy clitoris.
So why couldn’t I use fantasy to fall asleep as an adult? Was it the commitment lying next to me? Was it reality being an asshole? Or was it me, being narrow minded and neglectful to Mr. Vagina?
For years I navigated down different paths of nighttime fantasy. I first began logical and respectful: I fantasized about my late aunt’s house. I could smell her house and hear her voice. It was soothing, but the reality that she had died a terrible death skewed my thoughts and I found myself watching House until my eyes couldn’t hold up anymore.
Later, I began fantasizing about past retreats with my ex lewd-dudes.
“God, he was such a dick,” I found myself mumbling.
No luck there. Try again.
It was at that time of my life I enjoyed Xanax and all of the other downers I could buy with a twenty dollar bill. The Xanax, sleeping pills and narcotics seemed to do the trick, but the side effects were intolerable with a work schedule.
Fuck. What to do, what to do?
What’s that, Mr. Vagina? Interesting.
Of course masturbation was a good “cure all,” but it still didn’t put me to sleep when the stresses of adulting feasted on my mind.
But then one day…
I met a guy (not my guy) at Whole Foods. He was cutting and folding cardboard boxes. His box cutter blade was shiny and dangerous. His beard was just right. His eyes were green and he made my Y shout out, “Do you know where the Kombucha is?”
Oh, did he know where the Kombucha was. He smiled and waved his hairy arm around. I followed him around this end cap and that display stand. He was somethin’.
That very night, as I tossed and turned; and considering crushing and snorting a Xanax, Mr. Whole Foods crossed my mind. The pill bottle raised an eyebrow at me. I turned off my lamp. I took a deep breath, found the crease of my Y and went to Whole Foods. My fan blew gently on my face and the hum of an overflying plane threw my imagination into overdrive.
And there he was – in all of his glory – in a green smock, tied two times tight, and a pair of worn out Tom’s. A true delight. A wonderful specimen for a late night feast.
I imagined Mr. Whole Foods escorting me to the back of the store. The air was damp and cool. There was no Kombucha here, my friend – just me and the hairy armed man. I thought about him kissing me as we stood on a stack of his collapsed cardboard boxes. I imagined him pulling up my skirt and cupping my Y with his hand. My Y gushed and throbbed. He pulled my legs up and my back slammed into a metal freezer door. He moved my panties to the side, shoved his tongue into the back of my throat and
I fell asleep.
Before he could even drop off the D, I had fallen asleep. I awoke the next morning, soppy crotched and frazzled by the unhappy ending.
So close. And with that, I tried to fuck Mr. Whole Foods the next night, and the next night, and the next. When it was all said and done, it took me nine nights to finally go to pound town with Mr. Whole Foods; and boy, was it spectacular.
If you don’t want to down sleeping pills, or waste your Xanax on falling asleep, try fantasizing. Think about the hot chick you saw on the second floor. Think about the two dudes you saw talking next to the elevator. Think about the weatherman, Bradley Cooper, the new guy at work, Angelina Jolie, or whomever your little heart desires. Give Mr. Vagina a pat for good luck, diddle that cheeky clitoris, close your eyes, and sleep like a baby. Take it from a true believer in science and all things in between.
Disclaimer: You may experience side effects when using Fantasy for Sleep. Fantasy for Sleep is not a drug and should not be combined with actual sex during bedtime. Fantasy for Sleep is intended for immediate and restful sleep, not otherwise achieved with other sleeping tutorials. Common side effects of Fantasy for Sleep include, but are not limited to: sticky undergarments, sweaty sheets and pillowcases, faint vaginal odor of the fingertips or palms of the hands, moaning which may be heard through thin apartment walls, dry mouth, or unconscious smiling, giggling or sucking. While none of these side effects are life-threatening, it is always important to advise your partner that you are utilizing Fantasy for Sleep, although it is not highly recommended to report details of usage of Fantasy for Sleep to your partner if these details do not include your partner. Please consult with a friend or family member should you feel uncomfortable discussing Fantasy for Sleep with your partner. To enjoy the full benefits of Fantasy for Sleep, please do not discontinue Fantasy for Sleep until you are certain that Fantasy for Sleep is not right for you.
NOTE FROM BIG PHARM: If Fantasy for Sleep is not right for you, call us.