The words will never leave my ears: “Because I said so.” If I didn’t want to do something and asked why I had to do it, that was my mom’s answer.
I thought that as a person who doesn’t want kids that I would be exempt from ever uttering this phrase. However, my recent exploits in dating, and dealing with men in general, have proven otherwise. In a turn of events that will surprise no one, what I have found is that men don’t like being told no, and they need reasons for why they’ve been told no, even when you said no from the start.
For example, I spent a week or two texting a guy I met on a dating app, with whom I had a bit in common: comics, true crime, history, etc. However, a few red flags were waving around every time we spoke. He would scoff at me wanting coffee dates, saying he needed to take me on a “real date.” Then he would bring up my other dates (which I never talked about with him) in an almost jealous fashion.
So we chatted and decided we would meet up on a Saturday at noon, even though this wouldn’t be a “real date,” as he reminded me, because of the time. Then he wanted to change the location of the date because he wasn’t sure the first place we would be going would be open, and then he began to question why I wouldn’t see him for a “real date.”
And it escalated. I told him I thought he was looking for something more serious than I was ready for (wanting to go out at night for “real dates,” reacting jealously towards my other dates), and that I wanted to back out of the date.
He said that I was a “big girl” who could make her own decisions, but didn’t understand why I wanted to back out. I said that his words were condescending and that I definitely didn’t want to meet up now, and he once again said that’s fine, but “don’t cry about it big girl.”
I stopped texting him after that. When he asked for that reason the last time, even though I had already explained myself quite clearly, the words reverberated through my mind: because I said so.
This is apparently the same case with men who you do not meet in a dating environment.
I’m in a couple of groups on Kik. Now, Kik is primarily a hookup/relationship type of app. However, the groups in which I am a member (and admin of one), there are specific rules stating that these are not hookup rooms. We chat, ask questions, get to know one another and basically form these amazing online friendships.
A fellow nerd-leaning member of one of these groups asked to PM (private message) me, to which I agreed, thinking he would want to further discuss Doctor Who or Star Wars. However, when he messaged me, due to my experience with men in general, I immediately set the record straight and explained that I was not interested in pursuing any kind of romantic or sexual relationship. To which he said, “That’s fine. Wasn’t going to ask anyway LOL.”
Great, I thought.
And I thought wrong because three separate times this same person attempted to get me in some kind of romantic or sexual relationship. He wanted to know why: I don’t want to be in a long-distance dynamic. He wanted to know why: I need physical affection. He said meeting up could be a possibility, then he wanted to know why I still said no.
Because I said so, dude.
Like plenty of other women, I have a few more stories like these: men who aren’t used to getting what they want and expect a woman to cave.
It sucks because I want to be “nice.” I want to please everyone around me, and it gets to a point where I stop watching out for myself because of it. Saying no is sometimes the only control we have, and we shouldn’t be afraid to wield it to protect ourselves.
Ladies, we don’t owe these guys anything. If he incessantly texts you and you’re uncomfortable, don’t respond. Block him. Hell, go to the authorities if it’s that serious. Stop responding to the guys who, even after you’ve told them no, keep asking for more.
And when he asks why remember that our parents have given us the answers from the start: Because I said so.